I’m 22

I’ve been putting this off for quite some time — that in itself should be indicative of the entry that’s to come. It’s not that I’m sad, I’m actually very far from it. I wouldn’t say I’m at the opposite spectrum of the usual birthday blues but I’m at a really pretty color. Looking back at last year’s entry and how that was the “best” view, I can’t help feeling a bit nostalgic — bittersweet, really. I knew things were bound to change which is why it doesn’t faze me all that much how different my life is now. The era of 22 is best explained by Taylor, it can be pretty miserable but incredibly magical too.

it hits different

If last year was likened to a roller coaster with high highs and low lows, where I am now is like a rushing river heading in one direction. I know my goals, I’ve been focused knowing it’s the last stretch before a whole new ocean opens up before me. Somehow, since I anticipated early on that things change, letting go more easily allowed me to open up more fully too. Not to say that I don’t miss what was, but it’s more that I understand things never stay the same and I honestly wouldn’t want it to. Saying that is already such a privilege because where I am now is just as great. Maybe not as exhilarating as before, but definitely more steady. I feel like I’m going far because I let go of a lot of weight. I’m going far because I feel a bit lighter now. The biggest change yet has definitely been my relationships. Letting go of a lot of previous “core” relationships took a toll but now I know not to use the word “core” lightly. Every year I meet a new set of exciting friends who make the season so much more exciting and meaningful, but the core characters run the show in my life. I’m blessed that this year, it was really just my core in my simple celebration. A line from Corinna Luyken’s poem encapsulates how far my romantic heart has gone—

“My heart is a window. My heart is a slide. My heart can be closed…or opened up wide.”

Now my heart has definitely opened up much much wider, wider than it ever has, with the letter R engraved right in it, with a letter I forever etched as well. I hope it just keeps getting bigger. :)

Now that I’m nearing the finish line of a whirlwind past 4 years, the first signaling the first entry of this whole “tradition”, I’m most proud of myself for dealing with changes so gracefully. I know I can do so much better but that in itself is such a huge indicator of slowly letting go of my impulse for control.

It’s been a one track type of year where the end is in sight, and while it does seem like I’m rushing to catch all the deadlines, at least I have so much more left in me to keep on running. I may not finish top, but I have so much more to give after this race, and I can’t wait to keep on training.