I’m 21
Right now, I lay under covers as the rain incessantly pours. Just the night before, I would resonate with the atmosphere — thinking it as perfectly reflective of an inner gloomy state which I usually call the birthday blues. But today, I woke up with nothing short of feeling like I’ve been radiating just pure warmth. Because just a few hours ago, I was in a room of every person I love (missing some few) who made this year the best one yet.
Where to start?
How do I even begin to recap a whirlwind of a year? I look back at exactly a year ago and realize how love can take on so many different forms. My energy has changed and is now poured into different things yet my trusted companion has always been in the backseat — growth. This year more than anything, I felt a more fitting term would be growth pains, but growth nonetheless. I’ve felt life come at me with lightning speed, leaving me awestruck at just how fast things come and go. So here’s my attempt to picture my landscape the best way I can remember it now before it changes again. It’s been one of my prettiest views yet.
Jumping off from last year
Last year I felt some sort of resignation and anticipation, I dubbed it as “coming of age” and it couldn’t have been more fitting. All the tension that came from carrying expectations of who I thought I was just dissipated and what’s left now aren’t broken pieces of a shell of who I used to be but building blocks I’m taking my time assembling now. I think I’ve finally accepted that I don’t quite fully know yet who I am, but like what I keep close to my heart — knowing myself will be the best trip of my life and I’m enjoying every bit of it. Right now my tone is hopeful, positive, and extremely content but like I said, this has been a whirlwind of a year and it hasn’t always been as smooth-sailing. If anything, there have been some pretty rough storms.
Some bumps on the road
I never thought I’d experience heartaches in more forms than one. I finally know what it’s like to view someone with rose-colored glasses and the disorienting and numbing feeling of finally taking them off. I also never knew that stopping something from growing feels so unnatural yet sometimes necessary. I also realized that sometimes there’s no wrong choice, so choosing not to go for certain things always feels like you’re missing out on a what if. I realized the value of knowing your priorities because if you leave your slate empty and open to just anything, you’ll feel like you’re being pulled in too many directions too fast without reaching anywhere. I’ve been struggling a lot with this. It’s probably my biggest one.
Since face to face classes started this year, I realized one of my biggest challenges was managing my energy and time. Adjusting is a work in progress and necessitates a review of priorities whenever something new comes up. I found myself scatter-brained way too many times this year and in return I hurt a few people unintentionally. Before, I would’ve definitely chosen breadth over depth because I felt as though I was lacking in many experiences. I mean, I still am but this time around, I found certain people and certain things that I would rather deep dive into. In that sense, I don’t mind staying put where I am now and digging deeper instead of wandering for something I don’t even know I’m looking for. I found my place, and I found my people. :) I still struggle between the right balance (balance is a forever issue for me), of finding time for myself and for those around me. Letting my relationships suffer is one of my worst fears. I found that being honest, open, and intentional even though I can’t find the exact and right words to say, is necessary for understanding. The right ones will stick around! I am not so guilty about making more time for myself, especially with someone as sleepy as me 24/7. Though I definitely want to learn how to better manage my energy and let myself be the one in control instead of letting my energy dictate my actions.
Related to that, how do you zoom past a scenery you can’t stop staring it? This has been one of the best years ever and instead of fully soaking it in, I can’t help feeling a tinge of sadness because I know it’ll change. Why can’t I fully be present in this fleeting season without thinking about what’s to come and how I wish the next one wont… Very controlling of me I know! I guess there’s a part of me that lacks trust in what’s to come.
Aside from that, I think a part of me is still very closed off. The one time I tried opening it up just a bit, it got battered and bruised. I would say I am healed but I am still not willing to enter that territory anytime soon. Until now, I’m still trying to figure out if it’s because of fear or because I am perfectly happy where I am now. Maybe it’s a mix of both? I would say I’d be down for anything and that I wouldn’t let something good slip away but there are moments wherein I just rationalize and justify my hesitation for confronting some raw and honest thoughts with just saying that I love where I am now, which I do, but I know deep down that there’s a part of me that’s also scared of where total honesty mixed with confusion would lead me. Some thoughts are just meant to be kept to myself and that’s ok, I just hope I’d know when to confront it fully. Maybe the trick is to be okay with being confused, and I think I’ve been slowly mastering it anyway. Whatever choices I make though, I hope it’s always out of hope and not fear. I’d rather live the consequences than the what ifs.
Some conquered mountains
Aside from academics which honestly isn’t too bad right now, I finally put myself out there in terms of org stuff which I never thought I’d do. For the past two years, I was honestly always in awe of those who could juggle that kind of life. Now, though I’m definitely struggling, I’m more happy at the fact that I’ve been learning and managing. Just goes to show that we’re more capable than we think and though we may be on the brink of burn out, we can have different pursuits as long as we manage our energy more.
I also got certified in scuba diving and that’s a big feat for me because since I was little, I’ve always been afraid of the deep blue. On the surface, I’d feel the anxiety creep in whenever I see the endless horizon and the unseen depths because of whatever may be in there, but now that I actually experienced being deep down under, I never experienced such a calm. Plunging head first and eyes closed into a source I was previously fearful of, into now willingly finding ways to go down deep under, reminds me to face my fear because the reward of that is a whole other life changing experience. It’s been one of my favorite activities so far.
Climbing is still a constant for me though not as much. I contributed this year a lot to my home gym by designing and fundraising and the MB finally came into fruition. More than just a passion project finally being brought to life, I realized I am capable of designing art that people can resonate with! Though I don’t climb as much as I used to, I think I’m definitely still progressing but in a healthier and calmer way that doesn’t beat up my self-esteem. The frustration and sense of not being enough lingers, but there’s always a kind after-thought, which makes all the difference.
My relationships with my family was also a seed that finally sprouted, and that took A LOT of tilling, especially with my dad. There will always be misunderstanding, I don’t think that would ever go away but at least I’ve been holding my ground and being open about needing them to meet my halfway and that’s made my life a lot lighter. Small wins!
The best view so far
Like I said at the start, it’s been one of the best years yet and as much as I want to stop the car for an indefinite time and soak in the view, the wheels have to keep on turning so, let’s move it along, but not without savoring each bit. The people closest to my heart right now have been making it overflow with not just good times, but so many learnings too. It hasn’t been the smoothest ride with them but that’s what made it even deeper. They’re the people I am sure I never want to lose and I can only ever say that confidently now. This year, I wanted to be passive. I wanted to allow life to come to me and unfold without force, and I did.
I’ve gone on so many adventures — I’ve seen the most exquisite physical places, explored uncharted territories in terms of relationships, went on way too many food trips, had some of the most insightful conversations, and the most comforting and funnest roadtrips.
Whatever path I am now, I hope I stay on it. I know the scenery will slowly change, but I won’t go off track. I’ll stay on whatever highway this may be and keep cruising and stopping every now and then. And wherever I go, I know I will always have good company.
